Alyssa Grace
As I think back to the moment when I watched the home pregnancy test turn positive and how I took three tests in a matter of a couple weeks before the “positive” one came....maybe my precious baby was already trying to tell me something.
The first part of my pregnancy went fairly well. I had morning, noon, and night sickness but that was nothing new...as I had it with my first daughter as well. It wasn't until my routine ultrasound at 20 weeks that our world would change forever. Nothing would ever be the same again and we were about to learn about a whole new kind of love.
My husband Tom and I along with our 20 month old daughter, went to my ultrasound, so excited to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. The normal ultrasound technician was out on leave so we had a “temp”. She scanned over my tummy again and again, never really saying anything- but then again I am sure I was talking a mile a minute... A while later the tech told us she was having a hard time seeing anything and she went to get my OB/GYN who also specialized in reading ultrasounds. His first question to me was-”had I been sick/dehydrated lately?” And then “have you been leaking any fluid?” I answered no to both of these. He then told us that I was a little low on amniotic fluid, and that it made it hard to see the ultrasound. So he put me on bedrest for 24 hours and told me to drink as much water as I could possibly drink. He also recommended us over to Fairview University for a level II ultrasound. He reassured me as we left that if he thought it was “something serious” he would tell me....so home to bedrest I went—not really worrying that there was anything wrong. Once home, I called my friend Stacey for advice- as I remembered when she was pregnant- she leaked a little fluid...so I went to her for support. Of course we were bummed that they were unable to tell us if we were having a boy or a girl.
36 hours later- we found ourselves at Fairview University in Minneapolis for what they called the “Cadillac of ultrasounds”. I remembered how big and nice the monitor mounted on the wall was for us to see the baby moving around. We talked about how healthy the heartbeat sounded. The nice lady doing the ultrasound gave me a couple pictures to take home. But she then said the doctor would be in to take a second look as a precaution. It seemed like forever before he came in....but having a full bladder always makes this part seem like forever. Finally this strange new doctor came in...took a look here and there...watched some blood flowing to different parts of the baby's body and so forth..... He then said, “Ok, let's let her use the restroom and get dressed first, then we'll talk.”
And then came the news no pregnant Mommy ever wants to hear..."We see a problem with your baby....” They could not see any kidneys developing in our baby. They called the condition “bilateral renal agenesis” or also known as Potters Syndrome. When this happens-- with no kidneys the baby doesn't urinate, which becomes amniotic fluid, which the baby needs to breathe in to develop the lungs..one without the other is incompatible with life. When doctors give you mumble-jumbled medical terms you just kind of let it slide but when they use the term “incompatible with life”, you start listening up real close!! So I asked them... "what exactly are you saying?” He replied “I'm sorry but your baby will not survive in the outside world.”
Oh My God....this wasn't happening to us please....no!!!!!!! They recommended we come back in two weeks for a follow up ultrasound..but said not to get our hopes up of anything changing...and that there was no hurry to decide the fate of our baby. They then led us to a little room to catch our breath and for me... to let the first of many tears fall. Tom was being so strong for me... how he ever drove us back home I will never know.
Once home, we put our daughter down for a nap, crawled onto our bed, and we both broke down and cried as we held each other...making promises to each other, telling each other how much we loved one another, and this baby. I remember crying over and over, “ I love this baby, I can't lose it.” Feeling the baby's kicks were a heartbreaking time... as I knew it wouldn't be long and I wouldn't feel these any longer.
The next two weeks were a blur of reading anything and everything I could find on Potters Syndrome, phone calls to and from loved ones...that all started out with the same words from me.. "we are going to lose our baby....”, also follow up doctor appointments with my regular ob/gyn to confirm the ultrasound results and to once again hear that strong heartbeat. I also found an online support group called the Potters Syndrome Forum. To this day I can honestly say- I don't know where I would be today without them. They are the only people in the world who totally understood what I was going through and why. The last appointment we had before we induced was at the funeral home, to make arrangements for our baby.... we found out after we got there, that in the room next to us was another couple who had just lost a set of twins at birth... my heart went out to them as we were to start the same journey they were on... I left there feeling so numb and so scared.......... and I remember telling Tom I never wanted to do that again. I went home and made infant loss support ribbons and pinned them to small cards that I later wrote on them- her name, date of birth/death and the quote by Dorothy Ferguson that begins “how very softly you tiptoed into my world.....” I handed these to my loved ones who attended the memorial service.
With all the information I read...we came to the conclusion that as our baby grew inside me, with little amniotic fluid to cushion it-that it makes it hard for the baby to move around and puts it under stress. We feared our baby would die before we were able to meet him/her and that scared me. We then made the heartbreaking decision to induce labor. This was the hardest decision we have ever had to make..and to this day is a decision I am not completely comfortable having made..but at the time I knew I didn't want my baby suffering inside me. I started spotting a few days before we induced..I took it as a sign that my baby was getting ready to come as well. We started our inducing on Nov.13,2002.
It was an early morning and my parents came to stay at our house to watch our daughter. It was so hard to leave home knowing when I returned ...everything was going to be different. My ob/gyn came into my hospital room and inserted a pill to start softening my cervix. He was so understanding and supportive as were most of the nurses. The day went by slowly as the social worker, counselors and hospital chaplain all came to talk with us and make sure we were ok. A family friend of mine who is a minister also came to pray with us. He was the first person I called after we chose to induce. I needed to know my decision was ok and I wanted someone to bless our baby after it was born. As the second shift of nurses came on in the afternoon- we had made no progress and found out as the night shift came on, that the first and second pill they inserted had never dissolved...so we were back to square one. They switched to a gel form of this drug and the night time began... it was awful!! I started running a temp, vomiting, and shaking. I couldn't keep anything down and the very rude nurse said I was probably coming down with a cold or flu.... and that I might have to call my regular medical doctor if it got worse. My chest also started hurting..I now know that this was just the milk creating hormones kicking in. By the next morning, I was stable and thank goodness- I had my original nurse back who told me – that all my symptoms were just side effects from the drug they were using to induce.
My nurse inserted one more softener and by 11:00 am -I was having contractions. They gave me something in my IV to help take the edge off and within a half hour of having it... I was begging for more! It hurt so bad..... Around 12:30 or so just after the second round of pain reliever, I felt a pop down there and the nurse called for my Dr to come. When he got to my room and examined my situation – he asked if he could take a look and kindly apologized and sympathized as he slipped his hand inside me and helped my baby into the the world at 12:50 pm. I immediately asked if my baby was still alive. He said “yes” after he cut the cord, I heard her little cry. He handed her to me as she sucked her tiny little thumb saying, “it's a girl!" Tom broke down in tears instantly at my bedside. Knowing we wanted time with our precious baby, the doctor assured me he was there if I needed anything...and quickly left the room. I am sure this situation is never easy for a doctor either.
We spent the next half hour of our precious baby's life holding her, taking in all her details, trying to etch them into our memory forever. I was so out of it from the pain relievers- that this time is a blur for me. I wish I would have never had that second dose. I was so drowsy... The hospital chaplain came to give her a name blessing,bless his heart.... I have a feeling this young fellow had never been through anything like this as for most of the time he was there...he was speechless...and one of the only things he could think of to say was “Well Tom, how are you feeling?” Poor Guy!! It was then that Tom told him we just needed some time with our baby by ourselves. He left pretty fast!! But we are thankful he was there to bless our baby.
Alyssa Grace Trotter then quietly went to Heaven in her Daddy's arms on Nov.14 about a half hour after she came to us. Our nurse occasionally checked in on us to see if we needed anything. She dressed Alyssa for us and took some pictures, before she took her away forever. As I cried afterwards—she said she could bring her body back to me if I needed...but I knew if she brought her back- I would never let her go willingly again...and I was so tired. Maybe I should have drifted into a soft nap with my baby..and then let her go...all the what ifs..ya know? I now also wish I would have had the chance to give her a bath and dress her myself. After Alyssa was gone and Tom went home to check on our daughter, my parents came to the hospital to support me as well. Tom and I had decided beforehand that we wanted to share our time with our baby before she died with no one- but us. I also now wish I would have let my parents see and hold their granddaughter... for their hurt was not only for their loss of a granddaughter but because there own daughter was hurting as well.
I was discharged from the hospital later that evening. I just wanted to go home and hold my husband and my other daughter. But at the same time I didn't want to leave knowing my baby was still there somewhere.... This was the first of many nights... where I sat at my bedside, crying, rocking , and just telling Tom, “I just want my baby back, I just want my baby back, I just want to hold her one more time”...over and over and over.....
We held a beautiful graveside service for her at dusk a few days later. She is buried at the foot of my Grandfather's grave in my hometown. It is a comfort to know she isn't out in that big old cemetery all alone. I cried from the minute we drove up to the cemetery to the minute we left. We sang “Jesus Loves You” as members of our family and Tom and I all took turns walking over to her and leaving her a rose. We also did a balloon release. It was beautiful. To make the day even worse...my milk came in...something the nurses said “most likely wouldn't happen....”
It was weeks, even months before I ever saw the sun come up in a positive way again. I had to tell myself that there was no amount of tears in the world that was going to bring her back, to find the strength to turn the page and begin the new journey to move on.
Alyssa Grace came into our lives for a reason, she has taught us so much about ourselves, what is really important in life, and about unconditional love. Although the pain of losing her will always be in my heart... I am still so proud of her- she is and always will be our baby. I try to include her memory in family things whenever I can. Best part is knowing that some day I will get to hold her again and this time I will never have to let go.
~Shared by Joni, Alyssa's Mommy.